I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
