I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
