so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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