I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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