the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
