When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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