but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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