3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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