I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
