i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
