oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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