My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
