he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
