I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Never underestimate the power of titties
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
