Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
