I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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