Soap is not a condiment
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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