gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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