Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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