drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
