Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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