just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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