You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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