Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
