she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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