Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
