Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
