Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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