I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
