FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
