I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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