Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I need to align my fucking chakras
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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