yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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