she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I understand Curling. That high.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
