I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
