She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I cut my penus on the lid.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
