i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
