The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
