she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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