The maid of honor just puked.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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