My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So vagazzling was a success
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
