goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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