I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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