My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
