Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
