I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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