my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
