god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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