flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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