just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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