Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
