so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
